By: Feign~

I’ve come to the conclusion that I might not be exactly a very nice person. Just a bunch of small stuff that mainly has to do with faith. Faith is an issue. I also don’t think many things are important, that other people hold high. It occurred to me that “I” might be wrong and maybe it was time for me to grab up a religion. I mean, I’m open minded and doing a lot of thinking lately that religion may help cover some bases.

I can’t follow Gandhi. There’s just no way you’re going to see me in that diaper thingy. I have nothing against the guy except his abysmal fashion sense. Something tells me that he doesn’t eat much. You just have to be thin to pull off a diaper. I am more…….er…..
“Rubenesque.” Yes! That’s probably closer to the truth. I am trying to be honest here. (Deep six Gandhi)

I’ve often thought I’d well suited to a contemplative life. A cloistered contemplative life. I could handle the nun outfit. I look extremely cool in black and white and I love quiet. I even like quiet better than music sometimes.
I’d have to marry God, gee. Tell me that’s not a bum rap. But the ceremony is lovely, and as long as you don’t go tanning in the vegetable garden with a suspiciously black and white bikini and keep your mouth shut, you’re set for life. On second thought , Catholics have a whole bunch of prayers and they have to confess stuff. You’d know my confessor in a nanosecond. His ears would be bright red, and he’d probably put in for a vacation to the Vatican. It seems to me I’d be doing an infinite number of Hail Mary’s. Yeah, I probably wouldn’t make it past postulant.

Judaism seems ok. Those little Orthodox guys in the diamond district in are kind of cute with their tassels and those ring-a-ding hairdos. My hair is straight as a board though. Orthodox Jews make their women wear wigs, I think they might have to shave their heads! (no freaking way) But in spite of the kosher kitchens and the no bacon…wait a minute….NO BACON? nuh uh.

I’d probably go to Israel and try to convince the kibbutz to raise pigs. And whine a lot at breakfast. Then I’d get kicked out before some cute ringlet sporting Jewish guy fell in love with me and got me a 6 karat flawless blue diamond.As frumpy as a Jewish lady may get, I’m pretty sure their engagement rings are whoppers. No ring for this shiksa,

For a little while, I attended services at a Universal Unitarian Church, because whoa, they honor all religions and why should I be shopping all over town, killing myself when somebody already created a veritable shopping mall of religious experiences?

I got totally spooked when I went the first week. I didn’t know it was going to be a Wiccan ceremony.I’ve got nothing against Wiccans but it seemed weird. First of all, it was a Harvest ceremony (nice)…that was apparently being performed by 4 largish lesbian women in inappropriate clothing. They were barefoot (not exactly spotless) long bright colored Indian gauze hippy skirts and T-shirts with stuff like “Joe’s Garage” and “Mike’s Exterminator service” “We kill the finest bugs” on them. (hey they’re Gods creatures too, even if they are disgusting and deserve death on sight….it’s only fair to acknowledge 49 MILLION years of existence on the planet!)… but I digress..)
Well, it got more exciting. The 4 lesbian ladies formed a square, which apparel pointed them towards the compass points.OH, I neglected to mention that behind them was a folding table covered with a tablecloth upon which a beautiful arrangement of fruit and vegetables were quite artfully displayed. Well then the ceremony began. the ladies started chanting something about praising the four winds and then began flapping their arms up and down in what resembled a double Heil Hitler salute, but they were obviously heiling the fruits and veggies and blessing them and honoring God for such bounty. I respect that. However I did skitter my eyes around to see if anyone else found any of this even slightly amusing and to my dismay everyone looked dead serious. I was very amused by the spectacle and on the brink of laughter. When I realized I was going to start giggling, I tried to sneak out but some saw me, I think.

I was still interested in a Church that seemed very open minded, so the next Sunday I decided to go again.. I carefully sat near the nearest exit “just in case.” This particular Sunday, there was a guest speaker. He was an elderly Episcopalian pastor, reverend, preacher, not sure on the title. Nothing spectacular about his outfit, he wore a plain gray suit. He slowly walked to the podium and began to tell of his life. He’d always thought he had a calling and entered the seminary in his early twenties. In general he was happy with his life with the exception of one thing. He was a good man, had strong morals, was well beloved by his family and by his congregation. However he had this one thing that bothered him. In spite of his 50 or so years of serving, praying and speaking to God, God never spoke to him. It puzzled him, because throughout his life people told him stories about God speaking to them. People of all kinds would say “God spoke to me” so much, that he began to question his faith. He had devoted his life to a God who never said a word to him. Not even a “hi” foresters.

He wound up his speech on a sort of hopeful note, but I have to say I had an overwhelming urge to run up and hug him and say, “Those people who say God talks to them a lot are dufuses, and furthermore, God may talk to you in different ways. You’ve had a good life, helped many, and lived a long life. Your one complaint is that God doesn’t give you verbal assurance?!” I rethought the hug, and the lecture because I thought, “70+ years of a basically good, honorable, giving life, and you think God owes you a chat? I was sort of feeling sorry for him until I made a few comparisons and calculated that at that rate God wouldn’t say diddly to me for a few hundred years, and even then I may not want to hear it…So……………

My last shot for a religion was at the same church. It was at least, entertaining. This time there was a long sand fiilled narrow raised box in front of the altar. Someone announced that it was a “light a candle for someone, or something in your life, and tell about it or not,.” I was intrigued as I watched people slowly got up (nobody wants to be first) and approach a couple of lit candles. The first lady was kind of shy, but lit a new candle and said shyly “my daughter got an A on her math test.” Smiling, she walked off. Another woman said “I found my grandmother’s cookbook.” smiled and lit a candle. Pretty soon there was a blaze of candles for sick or dying pets and people. Some were confessional, I lied to my wife the other day”, small joys, acknowledgements, sad confessions and sometimes just silence. It all made me feel warm and fuzzy and then they did something. Something I can’t handle well, I do not know why.

They sang a bunch of lovely old hymns. Hymns make me cry. It’s visceral, I can’t help it. I am sure a psychologist would give his right arm to tackle the wellspring of emotion, and embarrassment it causes in me.

Well, I cried but I had emergency Viva paper towels in my pocketbook, so I was looking pretty normal when the service ended, and I got roped by a church lady. I’m usually able to outrun them, but I wasn’t paying attention and she honed in on me like a Patriot missile. “”Good morning, I’ve seen you a couple of times, I’m Martha” she set her trap. Then she said, “We have coffee and some doughnuts in the back, please join us.”

I knew better. I was a doughnut closer to Heaven if I went….but she was crafty. “I think there’s some chocolate ones left.” she said. That did it, she brought me over to the coffee room, got me coffee and the blessed damned) doughnut and within a few seconds a smarmy suited guy was telling me how nice it was to see someone new in the church.. He went on and on about the fun they had and was so blatantly flirting that I was actually surprised when a pinch faced woman trotted up and said “GERALD, we have to go NOW.” The ass was married and he was flirting in the same room his wife was. 50 points for assuming I was there to pick up church guys, 50 points for stupidity, and some extra credit points for his flustered try at introducing his wife to me. She wanted to castrate him and beat me up. I can just FEEL that in my heart….loll.

For the time being I am done hunting for a religion. I pray though, and I hope God knows there’s no RSVP attached. I enjoyed most of my experiences, and the ones that were offensive had nothing to do with God..

For the record, I eliminated Muslins, the outfits are ugly, the women have no rights and why join up with people who are raised to hate me??

The Amish and Mennonites are kind of out of it, and besides I just bought a new tablet……

Karma is possible, isn’t that the one where you’re supposed to right all the bad that you piled up in your past lives? I look good in saffron………..

Holy Moly, I probably annihilated an entire species in a past life, nope I don’t have time for the resurrections, never mind the talent.

I guess you know it by now, I’m flying solo for a while, and that’s fine with me. I have time and even if God doesn’t feel like conversation, he’s around. (Thank God) If I find something cool…………..,I’ll write